Season of Mulch...

...as my good friend says, but also Time To Tidy, contemplate the Heaps and Piles, and think about the turn of the year. Need a New Word, some more creative time and some new ideas, new makes, new thoughts, new courage, and maybe, a new back ...

Much rain and wind, then a clear and special late-day light makes a little bit of wall magic

 

Look After Yourself...

...they say. But all the offers of help are hedged-around, or expensive, or at unhelpful times. Look after yourself, they say, but no-one turns up and does the washing or the washing-up without being asked, or cleans the floor, or offers to husband-sit so I can go out to the hairdressers or the doctors.  And I know I can ask, but that's both demeaning and quite hard, as I know I may end up being resented, or worse..

I need to do stuff, I do have a business to run and a house to keep, and most of all a husband, sick and almost absent, who needs cleaning, and washing and emptying and re-filling and constantly reminding that he must eat and drink to stay alive a little longer.

And I'm lonely. It's so quiet, and I can't settle to anything for long, as the endless tiny tasks go on and on and on and on...

Sorry, feeling self-pity doesn't help either, but perhaps the alternative is anger, and that will definitely not do..

Shorter than you think

Life, that is. May 1st, I handed in my notice for the Big Workshop, 6 months and then No More 1000 square feet of endless pick-it-up-and-put-it-away, hoovering, cold in the winter, too many chairs...
And in the second week of May, I very nearly lost my lovely man, as he was taken ill with major gut problems (again) and had to go in to hospital for more emergency surgery. And a little time was gained, for which we are both grateful.. But I still have to clear out the workshop, sell off all manner of stuff, tidy, remove, stocktake, fetch, carry, and finish. All pretty much on my aching back, as himself is no longer able to lift anything, cannot do more than an odd hour or two, and was (not so much now) at first unwilling to let go of anything "that might be useful". Now I have two months left, and it may be possible to get it all done, but I don't feel like doing any of it.

And I'm mourning, of course. It's all so damned hard to deal with, and I'm tired, and I'm upset, and I don't want to show any of this to the world, so it comes out at home. Sometimes I'm so tired that all I can do is weep...

So unfair to John, who is taking all this with a deal of stoicism, but not anything I feel I can control. And the endless, fruitless, anger-making struggle to get any kind of help is so demoralising. When a need is finally acknowledged, something gets done, but absolutely nothing is automatic, and nothing is "suggested" that might be available and needed; we have to stomp and whine and demand and endlessly hang on the phone.

  Not Fair!  I want someone else to offer more than the usual platitudes, and no, I don't want anyone coming round to "help me move stuff" as that would just lead to chaos.  I would really like to have had more holidays, more days out, more leisurely lunches, more gentle strolls round town. If anyone had been honest with us two years ago, we could have had these things, and maybe the relaxation would have helped, too..  The next person who asks "Is he better?" will get a slap too.. Learn some tact, people. The proper form is "How are you both? " if you really must ask. And don't be surprised, shocked, or offended if I tell you.

And, now, we have the Sculpture Trail. Big Event at the workshops, third in three years. Most of the pieces are OKish or rubbish. Poor and sloppy organisation; little care for the artists (we were not invited to the Preview! Not even told when it was!!!) Curator buggers off on a three-week holiday on day 2, and while this event has been good for trade, I have had to spend four weeks explaining that "No, you can't come and buy anything at Christmas, because I won't be here and anyway it's almost all gone" and "No, I don't want to be here for your pathetic amusement" and "No, I don't want to hear about how you threw your mother's sewing machine in the skip, mr Nasty" and "No, I won't make one for you specially" and "No, I REALLY don't have to justify my decision to leave". This last I want to say to almost everyone.. Maybe, as this is the last week of the bloody thing, I will.  Then I'm going to close for a week, make indigo, sleep late, eat chocolate, and tidy up...

And perhaps I'll stop being angry, in a year or two..

Sustainability

It seems to me that there is a sudden desire to look closely at the throwaway culture - too much Stuff, buy it without thought, use it a couple of times, throw it away...
We took a day off last week, walked down the old High Street in Lowestoft looking into all the charity shops (and by gum, there are a lot of them). There are a few shops selling "tat" of a new persuasion - "decorative" oddments with not-much-charm, and these are well-represented in the charity shops alongside. It seems that the half-life of the average ornament is about 3 weeks...

Oh, dear.

This seems like a loss, a defeat, a failure of both taste and common-sense in so many ways.

And yet, I make decorative (and useful, please let it be said) things to sell.. I do try to make things that are well-made, will last, can be washed, repaired, worth having, not fashionable, and Oh! no slogans! (I do hate being hectored into a "good place" by the furnishings.. My late friend Kate had a lovely tea-mug which said "No, I will not Calm Down, and you can F**k Off" - this made me laugh, but I would not own that one either..

So, more and more, I want to make sure that Things Worth Mending are mended.. Hey! Can you sew on a button? And if not, why not? It's not hard.

Oil that door, fix that carpet, mend that box, tie that shoe...

Happy sewing!

Word for 2019 - Clear

Now, I try to have a Word to live by each year. 2018s word was "Refine" and I feel this has been helpful. 2019s Word is Clear.

I'm clogged up. Actually, physically clogged at the moment, as I have a grunge-filled chest and a pint of snot every time I blow my nose, but that will pass, given time, warmth, and antibiotics....

And, in the workshop, too much stuff. At home, a little better, as I have been sorting and clearing and refining and disposing-of madly while everyone else was slumping and eating and generally being gentled into sleep in front of the TV...

But still, I won't live long enough for some of this. I have boxes and bags and shelves full of 40-years-worth of Stuff..

So, I need to get this stuff, unstuffed, clear space to breathe.. Oh, yes, breathing. I remember that...



Before



And After..

Happy New Year, all

Refine - my Word for 2018

As usual, I have chosen, or been chosen by a Word for the Year. And this is Refine. I see this as a perfecting, a deciding, and a casting-away-of-dross sort of a word, and it's time. Last year was hard. We did too much travelling, and there was too much chaos. In November my lovely man had to go back under the surgeon's knife, and he is still slowly recovering. It's a long process. My bones have been hurting, I feel very old and crunchy, and it's been hard to keep the work in progress, progressing satisfactorily..

So, this week, clean all, sort all, look at all, discover hidden useful things. And casting-off of stuff I'll never use unless I live to be 200...


Magpie too long, time for the underlying not-so-shiny but solid..

My plan is to take the first quarter for sorting out the Sewing Machine stuff, and making Art, I hope to do these in roughly equal parts..

Word of the Year for 2017 - Complete

Now, this year's word (2016) was Sort.  It's been interesting, in a rather tiring way, but not quite what I expected.  I did indeed do lots of sorting - fabrics, spaces, my little workroom at home - now a fetching pale yellow and with new counters and a luxurious rug, it's much more welcoming and user-friendly.. (and the bookshelf no longer loooms)

But, I also found that I did an awful lot of extra Sorting.. On Christmas Eve 2015, 5 huge boxes arrived from that nice Mr Oakshott..  He was sorting his own space because it needed to house a new set of fabrics. I have not yet finally used all the stuff he sent, but I have made a lot of people very happy from that embarrassingly large pile..  

And I bought two large batches of sewing-machine parts from retired or deceased engineers.. One little room in a terraced house in Colchester, full to bursting with horribly greasy boxes, all jumbled and dirty, and full of treasures.. We came home slowly in a very full car, spent three days putting pieces of metal into buckets by type.  It will be well into the New Year before I finish that Sorting.  Another lot from Northern Ireland, much stained by fire and water, but still worth having..

So, I think much about the next year - it's important to rest, to take time out, to feel less exhausted.. I have been given the verdict of brittleness - my bones are no longer good, I must behave, not fall down, eat the right things and take yet more drugs.. This seems both inevitable and so unfair...

So, Complete.. Not Finish, that seems like Life Ending.. I want to find the unfinished things and complete them, but I also want to round out my skills, knowledge, aims, enjoyment.

I want to finish my round of the Dance - I am not sure where, but I do plan to go the Germany.. I may not Dance there, not sure.. I haven't heard about Scotland yet, and I'm equally not sure about that.. perhaps it needs to be somewhere else?

Still thinking...

On Volunteering

I belong to a National organisation, with subsections, regional groups, and an infrastructure largely upheld by volunteers.. This is not at all unusual, and many such exist.. They have a strong tendency to conservatism-with-a-small-c, to Rules and Regulations, to resistance to change.. This one is no different.  And I am a part of that in lots of ways because it suits me.. My tendency to iconoclasm, to questioning-the-status-quo, to rebellion, fits quite unhappily in many ways, but I still feel it's worthwhile.

At the moment

However, it may not be that for long.  Someone asked for my help, and then was stonkingly rude to me when I asked for something a little different (but within the aims of the organisation).  I'm sorry, sir, but if I ask for apples and get pigshit, I'll politely refuse... Or perhaps not that politely.

Previously, someone asked for my help, and was fantastically rude to me while I was doing the job as described and offered (and which I had done many times before without any problems).. (In public, and astonishingly unpleasantly.. If it hadn't been for EVERY single person who witnessed that episode coming to find me and apologise for her behaviour, I would have quit then and for good... )*

Now, one of the few real benefits of being a volunteer in any walk of life, is the right and the ability to tell the powers-that-be to Get Stuffed and walk away.  Many times, this is all that holds me inside, and not outside.. I'm persistent.  I've been self-employed for so many years, with all that means for getting-on-with-the-job, self-reliance, self-determination, getting up in the morning and getting on with it.  There is nothing quite like an empty bank-account and a couple of hungry children to make you want to work.. I've never been well-off, but I do have autonomy. That's worth a lot.

So, if you want to be rude to me, press on.. But don't expect me to be nice back, however much you might think you deserve it.. And, if you email me, that's Putting It In Writing, and don't be surprised if you find yourself quoted to others... Malicious, yes. Accurate, yes!  Revenge, certainly...


*I got an interesting sort of revenge.. In the following year, I lost a lot of weight and cut off my (permed) hair.. When this "person" met me again, they didn't recognise me.. They surely knew the name, but couldn't place the face.. I think they are still trying to work it out...

Sort

My Powerful Word for this year is Sort.. I don't want to be chaotic any more, it's too much like hard work and I'm tired.. I don't want little piles of Stuff everywhere I look, getting dusty and more untidy, and under my feet.. I want to look in a box, find only what is written on the label, nothing odd, nothing extra.. I don't want said box to overflow all over again..

However.. This has had an odd side-effect. People keep bringing me little piles of More Stuff to Sort..I'm getting better at processing this and sending it on...

Back to the heaps...

You Cannot Buy Me

You cannot buy me
I am not for sale

If you try
I will probably dislike you for it

Actually, there is
No probably about it

I don't want your tchotchkes
Your little gifts are a burden
Not a blessing

Leave me to my own stuff

This does not mean you cannot buy my work
I'm happy to put the item
Into a bag for you
And take your credit card
And wave goodbye to it

Whatever is was
It's out of my heart now

Please do not try to fill the gap with stuff
That I did not request

Midwinter Prayer

Creator, Creatress,

In this season of Darkness, let us remember the Light.  

Please
Give me the strength to keep doing what I know to be right
And the persistence to make all that I do as good as I can make it to be
To keep rolling
To keep teaching
To keep learning
To stay true to myself
To be kind where it is needed, and exacting where that is needed, too
To be solemn sometimes, and to laugh at other times, but always to see the good

Let me be a grown-up, make proper decisions, make my own decisions,  always to give myself permission to be myself

Let me be strong enough to take full responsibility for all that I do..

Don't let me defer, devolve, destroy, by making others responsible for me.  I'm a grown-up, I can do these things without your approval.  I don't need to pretend that anyone disparages me in order to remove my own responsibility..

I will no longer be your ogre, your queen, your mother, your owner, your critic, your decider, your designer.. Be yourself, that is all I ask.. I cannot tell you if you are bad or good, only if you are true.

Great Spirit, watch over us...
blessings, blessings, blessings

On the Making of Children

When you make a child, however deliberately or carelessly that generation happens, there is one thing that is certain.. You do not own that human being in any meaningful way.  You may look after them, care for them in illness and misery; laugh with them in the carelessness of their youth and worry about them when they leave to go out into the world, but you don't own them..

You can shape their ideas, attitudes, and tell them all manner of truths, but you cannot force them to be you, to think like you, to live a life you would prefer, unless you push them into something they actually want, that's a sort of bullying, and unacceptable..

For one thing, we are all perforce of another generation than our parents and children.. I was born in the 1950s, and grew up in the 60s and 70s; this colours my view of the world as it was filtered by news,  culture, music, all those pervasive colours and things that are almost invisible until we stand away and look back..

My children were born in the late 1970s.  They grew up with Thatchersim, riots, and the madnesses of the 1980s culture which I still find baffling..  That hair! Those clothes!  Dammnit, that music!

If they had children, they would have been of the Millenium.. That's an interesting time..

I was talking about the speed of change today, and the idea that when Thomas Hardy was born in the 1840s, there were no railways - when he died, in the 1920s, the news was telephoned to London and broadcast on the BBC..  I'm willing to bet, unless you are making a point, that you have a mobile phone, a flat TV, and several computers.. The time from the Car to the Aeroplane is not even one generation, and is shorter than the time since man walked on the Moon

I've always liked computers, find them useful, but the main joy is in communication.. Sadly, it's a long time since I wrote a physical letter and sent it in the post (although I do a lot of business by mail)

And my children speak on Facebook, text, twitter perhaps, I don't much care.. Somewhere, we have to draw a line and say enough!  Or do we..

Anyway, when you make one child, that's a Thing, but when you make more than one there's the Sibling Thing, which is both powerful and mysterious..  I do not understand why my wee brother was so precious, and my sisters are strangers.  Perhaps it's a generational thing..

In the Nature of a Rant about Insurance Company Lackeys

I'm really really angry. 

My life was turned upside down by a mishap, and I get mealy-mouthed stuff about "not having provided documentary evidence" for small stuff like my clothes and my USB stick. And the big stuff is apparently not worth considering.. I can't drive a nasty old banger for my business - in fact the current car is not a patch on the old one and I really don't like it much.

When the tree landed on my car, it not only stopped my forward progress on the road, it started a big train of events that have affected me very badly, are still affecting me, and will probably never go away.  I want to draw a line under all this, but every time I knock my left hand, or have to get up slowly because my knee is stiff, or have to apologise to yet another customer because my business has been inefficient for several months, I am forcibly reminded that this was not a momentary occurrence. It continues.  It will continue. 

When you are ill or have an accident, you have a salary, which continues, and there are people in your organisation who will see that your work is done, and I expect that you would not lose your job if you had to spend some time going to and from a hospital. I'm self-employed.  I've been self-employed all my life. There is only me.  If I can't do it, no-one else can, because there is no-one else.. My husband helps, but he can't do my job in the way I do, and his expertise is not mine.. And it's not like he has nothing else to do, as he puts his business aside to help me. His efforts and losses are not covered?  How tough.. Was I supposed to walk? Manage on my own? If I had employed a helper, would they get paid?

I am only still in business because I'm stubborn, used to self-sufficiency, and unwilling to give up and lie down.. It would have been so very easy to give up and lie down, but who would then be the breadwinner in my house, and what would I do for the rest of my life?  It would certainly have cost you more if I had done that, but I get little lectures on "mitigating my losses"  Well I did that, for all the good it's done me.

For the first couple of weeks after the Tree, I was forced to ask for help with cutting up my dinner and tieing my shoes, could not dress myself or go anywhere without help.   That's humiliating.  It was two months before I could drive myself anywhere. That's appalling..  I managed to keep a little part of the business running by dint of asking for assistance and calling in every offer of help, with all the loss of face that entails. And because I didn't lie down, I get less..  If I could have just sat and allowed myself to heal, that would have been very nice, but I would have been very thoroughly unemployed at the end.. I don't think you would have offered me a nice pension, so perhaps its a good thing that I struggled on? Or was it a bad move?  I have had to swallow a lot of pride..

I'm not recovered, but I need to settle this, so that I don't get any further into debt; any more angry; any more unhappy about the pettifogging stupid, idiotic pettiness of all this..  My knee is permanently scarred and will never regain full sensation.  When the tree hit it not only tore the flesh, but also burned the skin, the speed was so great.  My hands are my livelihood, both of them were and are damaged permanently.  All the fingers on my left hand were operated on to remove glass, one had to have a tendon repaired.. Do you know how painful and disabling that is? Patently not..The Hand Clinic was wonderful and Mr Meyer most helpful, but there is a limit to what they can do. They assure me that it will be at least a year before the left hand functions properly again, and that the scars are permanent. My GP was horrified that I was working..
My left hand is still lacking full movement and neither hand is ever going to be as strong as before.   Can you imagine what this means to someone who works with their hands?  Can you for a moment imagine how I felt for the nine miserable hours in A & E, or how my husband felt, waiting for those same nine hours without news or any idea what was happening?  Can you imagine how frustrating it is not to be able to work for so long when it's such a big part of your life?  I suspect not.  I also suspect that you absolutely don't care.

Can you understand that I am only managing because I have been lent money, offered help, and given serious amounts of leeway by friends and students.. All that will have to be repaid sometime soon.  Some things may never come back - it's very hard to restart a teaching practice after a break and letting people down.  I don't imagine you want to offer me anything for the loss of goodwill..
All this is not going to leave much change out of your little settlement, and I will still have to struggle with a reduced capacity..

Review the medical stuff please.. Both the GP and the Hand Clinic are happy to reassess me if required.  It seems pathetic to offer so little for so much harm.
And get your numbers right.  Nine clinic visits, plus the physio, plus the GP, and all the rest..


Four fingers on my left hand, two on the right, knee, lack of sleep, pain, frustration, loss of business.. Two thousand pounds? What a joke..


http://doesnotequal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/last-gasp-of-big-red-car.html

Word Of The Year

In 2012 I decided to use a Word Of Power, to make me think about my life and work, and to cover a whole lot of ideas with simplicity, and because it seemed like a good idea, and lots of people I know were doing this.
So I chose NO! (emphasis deliberate) and all year I looked at what I was doing and making and what people were asking me to do, and I empowered myself by saying NO! when I really didn't want to do things.. I also said Yes a lot, so not a negation at all.

And in 2013 I used Enough
I have more than enough stuff.  Time to get rid, use up, sort out, decide what is worth having. Enough. And also possibly to decide how much time to use on things, and what is essential, what amusing, what tedious...

And for 2014 I have found Better
John's suggestion.  He is facing an operation, needs to get better.  We also decided that we both wish to continue with the business of adding skills, learning, getting Better at things and processes.
And I want to do the things I do, Better than ever..

Happy New Year

Keep on adding to your vocabularies...

HH

Year of Moons

Now, the full moons have names in almost all cultures.. In Europe, Hunters moon, Harvest moon, Moon of the First Frost...
In North America, in the native peoples ideas, many sets of names, including such delicious ideas as Moon of the Drying Grass, and Moon of Rabbits

All cultures see the Full Moon as a special thing

A whole year's ideas here for me to play with. 

And within that, the utter simplicity of the circle in the square.

So, yesterday my scab finally fell off, tonight I can shower with no plastic bag on my hand, and tomorrow, I start work again in proper style..

Happy New

I hope to post work, both in progress and finished, on this blog..
Thanks for reading..

Teaching and Learning

One of my students wrote to me thus, having done a workshop with Lauren Shanley

[..interesting work but the most critical piece of advice came from her talk the previous evening. she never never makes a piece unless it actively inspires her. i so resonated with that as am struggling with my picnic blanket trying to cut down the hours but losing myself in doing so!..]

She's right, of course.. For me it's not always possible to do absolutely with what I want, as I have to make commission work that will not always be to my taste (although I have been more inclined lately to say 'not my sort of thing' a bit more often..) and I have to support the workshop, which is almost equally a burden and a blessing.
But for you, if you make as a hobby and as love for the medium, you are perfectly right to make only what makes your heart sing.. There's no shame in putting something down and giving it more time or the boot.
I find that almost any good teacher or speaker will say something that is like an arrow to the heart of one's own ideas.. Sometimes it shakes you up, sometimes just confirms your ideas, sometimes it just seems that an expression or a phrase makes everything clear.  When I saw Gloria Loughman speak at the Quilters' Guild AGM in Hove a few years ago, she seemd to address me directly in the centre of her talk, looking straight at me and saying that I should follow what I wanted, not what was expected of me.  This was very valuable.  Later I emailed her to say thankyou, and had a simple and very personal email back which made me feel better still..
At this time I was just beginning to work on my Trees pieces and had little confidence in them.. Hundreds of large and small pieces later, I feel ready to move on.. Meanwhile, I still make small stuff for the shop and some of it is mightily tedious, but it is also nice to have bits and pieces for everyone.. not all can afford a big piece of work, and I would be hard-pressed to make enough sales to survive on the major works.. Or at least, so far..

Snow Has Fallen On My Spirit Garden

Almost monochrome..

Misty Winter Dawn

Yesterday morning, in the most soft and subtle mist, almost no landscape; yet the sliver, slice, softness of the sunrise, all orange and delicious, over the tangled Winter hedges..
If I could capture this in cloth, I would be truly satisfied..

Tangled

Fast Friday Fabric Challenge 74

Wrong blog, I know, but the technology is fighting back too firmly for me..
My hand is up, the buttons are all at my house
Small quilt, approx 15 inches tall, with hand-embroidered/quilted stitch holding the layers and the buttons on.  All the woven fabrics (thanks Jude) were grabbed from the scrap box as tones, not choices.. The size was set by the oddment of batting I found under the table.  The background fabric is Oakshott Fabrics Ischia and the binding is another colour I can't name.. All the buttons came from one of the 7 tins-worth I bought the other day, incidental to purchasing a sewing machine table for my little workroom at home..
Sewn in front of the fire to the accompaniment of a programme about wolves and buffaloes.
Finished on Saturday morning, but I can't get to the FFFC blog.. Bah, humbug...

Edited: Monday, got access and am able to post at the Fast Friday blog, but I'll leave this here..