Shorter than you think

Life, that is. May 1st, I handed in my notice for the Big Workshop, 6 months and then No More 1000 square feet of endless pick-it-up-and-put-it-away, hoovering, cold in the winter, too many chairs...
And in the second week of May, I very nearly lost my lovely man, as he was taken ill with major gut problems (again) and had to go in to hospital for more emergency surgery. And a little time was gained, for which we are both grateful.. But I still have to clear out the workshop, sell off all manner of stuff, tidy, remove, stocktake, fetch, carry, and finish. All pretty much on my aching back, as himself is no longer able to lift anything, cannot do more than an odd hour or two, and was (not so much now) at first unwilling to let go of anything "that might be useful". Now I have two months left, and it may be possible to get it all done, but I don't feel like doing any of it.

And I'm mourning, of course. It's all so damned hard to deal with, and I'm tired, and I'm upset, and I don't want to show any of this to the world, so it comes out at home. Sometimes I'm so tired that all I can do is weep...

So unfair to John, who is taking all this with a deal of stoicism, but not anything I feel I can control. And the endless, fruitless, anger-making struggle to get any kind of help is so demoralising. When a need is finally acknowledged, something gets done, but absolutely nothing is automatic, and nothing is "suggested" that might be available and needed; we have to stomp and whine and demand and endlessly hang on the phone.

  Not Fair!  I want someone else to offer more than the usual platitudes, and no, I don't want anyone coming round to "help me move stuff" as that would just lead to chaos.  I would really like to have had more holidays, more days out, more leisurely lunches, more gentle strolls round town. If anyone had been honest with us two years ago, we could have had these things, and maybe the relaxation would have helped, too..  The next person who asks "Is he better?" will get a slap too.. Learn some tact, people. The proper form is "How are you both? " if you really must ask. And don't be surprised, shocked, or offended if I tell you.

And, now, we have the Sculpture Trail. Big Event at the workshops, third in three years. Most of the pieces are OKish or rubbish. Poor and sloppy organisation; little care for the artists (we were not invited to the Preview! Not even told when it was!!!) Curator buggers off on a three-week holiday on day 2, and while this event has been good for trade, I have had to spend four weeks explaining that "No, you can't come and buy anything at Christmas, because I won't be here and anyway it's almost all gone" and "No, I don't want to be here for your pathetic amusement" and "No, I don't want to hear about how you threw your mother's sewing machine in the skip, mr Nasty" and "No, I won't make one for you specially" and "No, I REALLY don't have to justify my decision to leave". This last I want to say to almost everyone.. Maybe, as this is the last week of the bloody thing, I will.  Then I'm going to close for a week, make indigo, sleep late, eat chocolate, and tidy up...

And perhaps I'll stop being angry, in a year or two..